Latest Document on the History of Mrs B. Courtesy or Roz.
A Penguin Called Chris
'To the South Pole!' Shackleton boomed forcefully in an attempt to motivate his disheartened, fur clad expedition party. The men trundled unenthusiastically onwards, accompanied by a pack of vicious dogs, into the heart of mainland Antarctica.
Several penguins began to slide past them suddenly, and dove gracefully in single file through a hole in the ice, into the piercing chill water, probably in search of fish to bring home to the Rookery for their loved ones. The last of this party was Mr Peter Penguin, a devoted father of two chicks and a penguin with a great passion for catching fish. Traditionally, this would be the mother's occupation, but Mrs Perpetua Penguin was not a huge fan of the sea. She preferred to huddle with her friends and family back at home and absorb the Rookery gossip (there was generally a lot flying around).
Peter was an extremely curious penguin, and when he noticed the large group of tall, foreign-looking creatures dressed in furs strolling past, it was only natural for him to lose interest in the children's teas. So, instead of plunging into the water directly after Petunia F. Icethorpe as was anticipated, Peter leapt over the ice hole and continued to slide along the ice on his stomach.
It was the first time Peter had ever come across a human, so obviously he was awestruck by their extraordinary mannerisms. 'What a peculiar-looking flap,' he pondered as he studied a rucksack a man named Frank was carrying. 'I wonder how many chicks could fit in there? It would certainly keep them warm for the winter.'
He continued to lurk several metres behind the team, eavesdropping in on their conversations.
By now, a man with a Welsh accent was beginning to lagbehind. Presently he glanced around andwithdrew a small bar of chocolate from the inside of his furs. Cautiously, he snapped a piece off andpopped it discreetly in his mouth.
‘What anextraordinary way to behave,’ Peter pondered. ‘Us penguins always share out fish, that way there’s some foreverypenguin.’
The Welshman continued to chew stealthily on his secret chocolate supply until finallythe man named Frank noticed the fact that he was walking behind the other men.
‘Oi!’ heyelled menacingly. ‘You littlesneak! My, that was jolly selfish ofyou I can tell you. Here, give us therest and I won’t tell the boss.’
‘Look,please, just let me finish it Frank, please!’ the Welsh man whined. ‘Here, take this shilling!’ He handed Frank the round piece of metal.
‘Howpositively preposterous!’ mused the confused penguin silently. ‘Why on earth wound anypenguin accept a slabof metal in place of food?’ And he wasquite right, for Frank flung the coin down on the ice and retorted,
‘Keep yourmoney you fool, it’s no use to any of us here.’ The crew trudged onwards and no more was aid on the subject ofchocolate.
Peterstudied the coin and was immediately filled with wonder at all the intricaciescarved into it. He picked it up withhis flipper and swiftly returned to the Rookery for supper.
*****
Perpetua Penguin waddled up to her husband and greeted himwith a brief nod of the head.
‘Moining mydear penguin!1’ she enthused, and handed him a large fish. He inserted it in his beak and devoured itin a second. ‘O do believe that you arerather late this moining2,’ she continued. ‘Primula and Pedro waddled over to the Six Ice-Holes3 togreet you, they did believe that you would be arr-I-ving with the others butyou never turned up. We were beginningto wor-ry.’
‘I doap-ol-o-gise,’ Peter replied. ‘I gotcaught up in the most exciting adventure. I saw a group of……of foreign-looking creatures about so high…’ hereached upwards with his flipper and demonstrated. ‘They had fur, and pouches on their backs, and they talked abouta place called…’ Peter paused again and tried to recall the name of the placein question. ‘Eng-o-land!’ he expressedtriumphantly.
By now arather beaky4 penguin had begun to overhear Peter’s description ofthe humans, and she immediately related this to the group of penguins she washuddled with. In a matter of minutesthe entire Rookery were informed, and they all formed a circle roundPeter. Chicks were tucked neatly intheir fathers’ pouches while mothers were leaning forward expectantly, waitingfor Peter to divulge more information.
‘What didthese creatures eat?’ Petunia Icethorpe inquired. ‘Do they catch fish like us penguins?’
‘Now that,my dear penguin, is a very interesting issue and I’m glad you raised it,’ Peterreplied. Petunia, the shy but curiouspenguin, blushed furiously.
‘Thesealiens do not have much food, but when they possess any they do not share itaround like us penguins. They….’ Peterpaused for suspense. ‘They…..they keepit all for themselves!’ There was astunned silence. ‘And no Petunia, theydo not eat fish, they eat a peculiar brown substance called, erm….. chocolate!’
‘Ooh!’ thepenguins cooed in a low murmur. Anotherpenguin raised his flipper.
‘Yes?’Peter inquired.
‘Do theseanimals keep their young in pouches like us penguins of Antarctica?’ thepenguin whose name was Paul Fishby asked.
‘Well,’began Peter. By now he was enjoying allthe attention. ‘They had pouches ontheir backs as you may have heard, but the strange thing was that I didn’t seea single chick peeping out.’ There weremore gasps of surprise throughout the Rookery. ‘Any more questions? No? Well my dear penguins, you will be amaxed todiscover that I managed to abduct……this!’ Peter produced the shilling and held it up for everypenguin to see. There was a pregnant pause.
‘What isit?’ his sister Primula Penguin asked.
‘This mydears, is what these creatures call…..minay!’ The penguins looked baffled. ‘Itmay look like a useless piece of nothing to us penguins, but I can assure youthat these aliens treasure minay.’
Perpetuafrowned. ‘But what is it for, mydear penguin?’
‘They liketo swap it for things,’ Peter explained. ‘I think they swap it with each other in exchange for food!’
‘So if Ihad some minay, hy-po-the-tic-ally speaking,’ a rhetorical penguin began, ‘Doyou suppose one of these….creatures would give me some fish in exchange forit?’
‘Why yesPauline, I do believe so!’ Peter assured her.
There was along silence. So long, in fact, thatPeter began to feel extremely unnerved, as he was standing in the centre of thecircle. A middle-aged female penguinnamed Pamela Waddleway let out a long smirk. Then her son Ped began to snigger into his flipper. Soon his chicks were giggling quietly tothemselves, and then the mirth spread round the circle like a line of capsizingdominoes.5 Seconds later thewhole colony was laughing hysterically, and Communal Late-Moining Fish Consuming6was cancelled that day as their sides ached so much that nopenguin was able tomove, let alone fish.
In fact,the event was so memorable that a song was written about it and is still sungamongst Emperor Penguins of Antarctica to this day. It goes something like this:
Minay minay minay
Must be finay
In a penguin’s world
*****
Decadespassed, and the penguin standard of living increased. Penguins of Work7 were appointed to build igloos,prioritising the priests first as they have always been considered special, andshould be treated with reverence and respect. Eventually, however, towns grew and everypenguin in Wilkes Land had anigloo to call their own.
Thiscommunist approach caused a rift between the Emperor penguins and theirneighbours the Chin Strap penguins, and in 1939 war broke out. The Emperor Penguins decided it would bewise to introduce a temporary monarchy to Wilkes Land, to simplify the processof decision making. A descendant ofPeter Penguin named Penelope was elected Emperoress by secret ballot, and herreign lasted six years until the war ended and a treaty was signed by bothparties. Subsequent to this, Penelope decided it was her duty toabdicate as she was no longer needed by her Rookery. Anarchy broke out shortly afterwards as Wilkes Land had grownused to the authority of the monarchy, and society could not cope with suchregression. Penelope, when asked toreturn to the throne, requested that her sister Primrose should be given theopportunity to rule.
And so itwas. Emperoress Primrose Penguin ruledfor a prosperous thirty penguin years, and passed on her role of ruler to hereldest son Patrick, who equally used this advantage to his full potential tobenefit Wilkes Land.
Severaldecades later, under the authority of an Emperor named Pingu, a little princessnamed Chris sat on her Throne of Ice…….
*****
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Updates
OUr first complete document on the history of Penguins! Well done to everyone involved! [ie, Roz]
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